It has been a horrendous couple of weeks in Boucheland. After our appointment at Guys Hospital, Bouche’s brain has been going ten to the dozen. The main things running through my head are…
- PGD IVF has a 20% success rate
- We may not get NHS funding as we have little J, even though he is not my biological child
- PGD IVF is about £8000 if you want to go private
- The drugs are going to make me super moody
- Poor Mr Bouche ending up with me. I hope it doesn’t get too much for him!
- I feel like no one understands what this will entail for us
- Mr Bouche wanted a big family. This is not going to be an option now. I hope he is not disappointed
- I am a failure
- Huntington’s destroyed my family. Will it destroy the family I am creating?
- Everyday, I have to stop myself from crying at least once.
- I feel so alone
- What if PGD IVF doesn’t work. Then, what will we do?
As the days have passed, my thoughts have become less manic and I finally feel like the dark cloud that has followed me for the last 15 days is dispersing.
Mr Bouche and I, had a period of two days this week where we were not speaking. I was stressed out and gave him a hard time. I now remember why I married him. He is being really supportive and he is backing my decision, 100%.
My friends have been great, not asking all the time but they have all the info and are checking in with me every couple of days.
My in-laws have been fantastic. Even though this is all new to them, they are understanding and being so supportive.
My Mum isn’t great at being supportive but she is doing her best. I am grateful.
My aunt and uncle have been amazing. My uncle is like my second Dad, he is my Dad’s brother. He gave me away at my wedding last year and he comes a close second to my Dad. My aunt is also incredible and she probably knows me better than my Mum. I can tell auntie L anything!
Last weekend was full on. We went to my cousin’s, daughter’s 2 nd birthday party on saturday. I spent most of the day explaining to my cousin, grandparents and aunt and uncle (on my mum’s side) what we were being referred for. The process and the statistics. By the time I got home saturday evening I was mentally exhausted!
Sunday we went to Uncle R and Auntie L’s for a BBQ. They knew some of what happened at the appointment but they asked me for more details. After explaining what happened and choices etc, the response was overwhelming and tears followed.
After some cuddling, my uncle parped up. ‘Well, if you don’t get the funding we will breed one of the dogs to pay for a cycle of treatment’. It is important to mention, they breed pedigree english and french bulldogs. Then, Auntie L said ‘well, there’s nothing wrong with my eggs, I’m only 42 and you can have them!’
While I will probably never take them up on either offer, I realised that they wanted this for us, as much as we do. Uncle R has always been supportive as he is as at much risk of Huntington’s disease as me. It made me realise that I am not alone and we WILL do this. We HAVE to.
Since sunday the cloud has slowly disappeared and I am feeling positive.
I am so lucky to have the support, that I have. I know all the support I have is going to get me through this. Mr Bouche seems quite positive in general and is a little miffed by my sadness. His positivity, my in-laws support, my friends shoulder’s and my family’s unconditional love with get me through the dark days.
WE CAN DO THIS!
Bouche x x x