I’m a fake!

Time to confess. I am a fake!

My friends would probably say that I am the life and soul of any party. The person who hits the dance floor first. I am the one who would jump up and start a singalong and I am a chatterbox who can’t stop gassing.
My colleagues at work would probably say, I am motivating and am never afraid to change things or try something new. They would also say I am pretty vocal and communicate well.
I guess all would say I am confident.

However, I would like to set the record straight and advise them all that I am NOT confident and my confidence is fake! I am a fraud!

I do however, I have an ability to put up massive barriers and fool people.
I can stand up in front of a group of people and make a speech or approach strangers and start making conversation. Inside, I am cringing and my heart is trying to leap from my body!
I can often be found after such speeches or conversations hiding in a toilet cubicle cursing myself and in some cases can be found sobbing in a heap!
I also hate the way I look and wince when I look in the mirror. I avoid my reflection in shop fronts and almost always wear dark colours. Hopefully, my image confidence will come after losing some of this weight.
I often question my abilities as a friend and whether I am good friend, who listens enough or gives good advice.
I also worry that I won’t be a good parent and that I am not as good a step parent to little J as I could be.
Lastly, I worry that I am not a good daughter. I wonder if my dad is proud and whether I did right by him.

I wish there was a day when I woke up, looked in the mirror and thought ‘go and show the world what you’ve got’! Instead, for now at least, I will paint my face on, put the barrier up and continue with my fraudulent persona!

Bouche x x x

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